Reflecting on 2010, the images that flash through my mind center around Josh:
- celebrating his 18th birthday on Jan 16th
- the 1 year death anniversary on March 18th
- half/full marathon fundraiser on March 20th
- high school graduation
- going to college
- kayaking on the Battenkill River in Vermont during a torrential downpour
- watching Avatar in 3-D on an IMAX screen
- learning how to ski
I am glad for all the memories with family and friends in 2010 but as a mother, there is a corresponding emptiness that exists because Josh is not part of them. And he is not part of them because he is no longer with us. And he is no longer with us because he took his life. It is like a funnel - eventually all thoughts lead to that fact. Then comes the grief and sadness. It is inescapable.
I've had some strange dreams lately. Last night, I dreamt that I was at a memorial for Josh that was organized by a good friend. While presenting a gift to me, she began crying which made me cry. This happened right before the alarm went off so I woke up to tears on my face. Missing Josh. Tears while awake. Tears while asleep. Endless supply of tears - for Josh.
I was with my family for New Year's Eve. My mom bought clear balloons with silver snowflakes and after writing messages on them, we sent them up to the sky as a way of remembering our beloved son, grandson and nephew.
Rest in peace, Josh. We love and miss you so much.